kinda scared at how christmas is gonna go. my little sis is going to be pissed just because her disorder is trying to be tamed by professionals and mine isn’t. and idk how the conversations will go because i can almost guarantee that treatment talk will come up and i’m still uncomfortable admitting that to them. and idk part of me wants to skip it all together. part of me doesn’t

i don’t think treatment is happening. i have to do it all on my own and i just can’t do that. i tried to ask for help and i got left with a “do it yourself” note. so fuck it. Though if i do lose at least 5 pounds, i may consider it for the new year and just take the semester off from school, because let’s face it, I won’t be able to do both and def won’t be able to afford both.

also i was stupid and accidentally sent my lax tea to the wrong address. they went to my house instead of J’s house. so now i’m freaking out because i can’t use it before the final and idk if i can be mentally stable now because i was depending on it and idk when i’ll be able to take it now or when i’ll get it. and i’m freaking out. i need it before christmas and i need to be able to take it before christmas because i want to be ~clean~ for christmas and i want to get my intestines cleared out and functioning. and i’m ready to cry because i can’t take laxatives and i realize how fucked up that is and how fucked in the head i am.

and j’s mom gave me money to “go shopping and pick out something ‘nice’ to wear for christmas” -because apparently she must be sick of my baggy clothes. but i want to spend that money on lax and appetite suppressants. and i feel like an awful person for that. like i could buy a dress and then spend the rest on that stuff but like i still feel like an awful person. and i’m tempted to order some more lax just to have it sent here so i can use them (and possibly have it express mailed so i’ll have it before the weekend).

ed’s are so fucking expensive. i’ve spent so much more on lax, diet pills, appetite suppressants, scales, and low calorie diet foods/food replacements, and binge food. and it’s fucking insane. even my alcoholism was a hell of a lot less expensive. I can’t even imagine how much money i’d have in the bank right now if i hadn’t spent all that. like i wouldn’t be rich or even close, but i might be a little bit financially stable and be able to afford taking classes or even getting fucking therapy. but noooo i had to spend it all on this fucking disorder.

mom wants me to go to a different place than the one she said she’d call about. idk what the intentions are of that. like does she not think i’m as bad as my sister and therefore don’t need a top rank facility? or does she not want me in treatment with my sister? or what? i don’t know i’m not sure i want to know.

this other place, i can’t even find anything on it. they have a website and a facebook page. no reviews, not on the NEDA site, nothing. it’s sketchy as fuck. and i really don’t want to deal with that.

it’s probably cheaper than the other place and that’s why she’s sending me there cause she doesn’t want to “waste” her money on me “fucking up again” because i can’t follow through. and yet my sister is at home doing outpatient and hiding and dumping food and anything she can behind my moms back and isn’t doing anything for her recovery and isn’t even trying. like double standard much? as usual

i sent them an email anyway asking about their program, a schedule of the typical day, and if they could accommodate my food allergies since i have a ton. i guess we’ll see what they say. I may do the same for the other program that i thought i was going to be going to.

no word from mom today on calling for the appointment. i’m assuming she didn’t have time. today was an appointment for my little sis for her remicade treatment and probably to ask her doctors to transfer her ED treatment over to a different treatment center closer to us (which is the one my mom wants me to go to as well). and she didn’t call yesterday because she was at the lawyers all day. so still no call. the more days go by the less faith i have in her to call. but anyway..

in a way i’m happy she’s taking her time with this because it gives me the chance to lose more weight before the actual eval. but like at the same time it’s kinda sad/annoying/terrible that it’s not a priority? like it’s cool, take care of one of your daughters while the other one starves herself to death in the corner over here. no big deal. but idk. the longer she waits, the more weight i’ll lose and the closer i’ll get to the actual diagnosis of anorexia (instead of ednos) cause like last week i was only 5 pounds away from that anyway, so i just need to drop 5 pounds before the eval appointment and i’ll be set.

i keep forgetting to update here, i’m always updating my tumblr instead

Dad was in the hospital. apparently had a really bad seizure but the doctors couldn’t figure out why because all the tests came back negative. We think it was due to his blood sugar being way too high. that was on wednesday, he got home on friday. i brought him and my mom and my older sister some thanksgiving dinner and dessert to go in the hospital. I was watching over my younger sister, making sure she stuck to her meal plan (since she’s in ED recovery outpatient treatment) she didn’t stick to it, got about half way to her goal, but she did really good considering all the circumstances. I am slipping back into old habits more so now than before. and my younger sister called me out on it and i just told her yeah i’ve had an ed for years but mines gone untreated and you are really lucky to be getting treatment. I’m 95 pounds now. 5-6 pounds away from the same BMI my sister has..

anyway here’s the rest of the updates:

november 16, 2014:

I really wish my body wasn’t so needy.

november 17, 2014:

I’m so huge and fat and gross and i can’t stand it

november 18, 2014:

Last night went from pretty shitty to pretty damn good to suicidal

November 19, 2014:

haven’t talked since monday night, really don’t plan to anytime soon either. can’t say way, just don’t want to/don’t feel like it.
also haven’t really eaten much since then… unless you could 2 spoonfuls of almond butter (~200), 6 cashews (~98), and a bout 1/4 cup of dried cherries (~98). I’ve had some liquid calories too, but not much: maybe 1/3 cup of pumpkin spice almond milk (~35-40), ~1/3 cup apple cider (~50), and some chocolate almond milk (~100).
I don’t really feel like eating either. i only had what i did so i would stop shaking…

I always manage to surprise myself with how quickly I can get bad again…

November 20, 2014:

food is hard… tea is easier…

i know j’s mom is pissed off at me because i’m not eating (and not talking) but like being pissed off and angry at me doesn’t help?? It makes me want to avoid you even more?? It just makes things worse?? So don’t do it??

november 21, 2014:

i can look surprisingly well put together when i’m actually falling apart into a giant puddle of messy goop.
anyway. went to class last night. didn’t cry or hyperventilate.
J cooked me dinner too because i was too scared to eat and too weak/too low of blood pressure to make/get myself something. cried when he put it infront of me because that’s the first “meal” i’ve had since monday. first real solid food since monday, unless you count a couple cashews and a handful of dried cherries. it wasn’t even like a full calorie dense meal. it was more like snack like quantities. but it was still solid food and in a meal like setting. so it was terrifying. but i ate it all anyway. i knew i needed it. if i didn’t eat it i would have passed out or something before the morning. (and besides afterwards led to some great sex and i actually had the energy to do things so yeah it was great)
I still feel like it made me fat though even though i know that’s not possible…. so it didn’t really get me anywhere except to not passing out, which i mean that great and all…. but i don’t think it was any actual progress.

November 22, 2014:

like i get that things are expensive and i get that you don’t want to spend money. but i’m only willing to eat a select few things right now and saying that you don’t want to spend much money is basically telling me you don’t want me to eat because my food is expensive. I can’t fucking help that my food is expensive. I wish it was cheaper too. but if you don’t want to pay the money for the food i can eat, then don’t bitch about me not eating. because it’s really fucking pissing me off. oh food is so expensive. i don’t want to pay that much. and i’m sitting here like all i want are 6 vegan yogurts, a pint of vegan ice cream, 3 pomegranates, and maybe like 2 vegan chocolate bars. but noOoOoOo that’s so expensive because the ice cream is 5$ and the yogurts are 3-4$ each and the chocolate bars are 3-4$ each and the pomegranates are on sale but they’re 3 for 5$ and wow that a lot of money for so little food. Fuck you. i know it is. so what? it’s what i can eat and what i’m willing to eat. i’ll gladly just not fucking eat then if you’d prefer not to spend money. oh and don’t even get me started on the tea. It is winter, i can’t regulate body temperature on my own, i need an outside source. and since my heated blanket broke, all i have is tea and a very small heat therapy microwave thing. so yes, i’m going to want to spend money on tea. because to me, it IS  a necessity. it keeps me from getting hypothermia from my own body not being able to function properly.

november 23, 2014:

right now i’m at the lowest weight i’ve ever been in my “Adult” life. as in, the last time i weighed what i do now (95), I was 17. and i’m mad at myself that my disorder is happy (but obvs not satisfied yet). I’m mad at myself about the fact that i’ve relapsed. I’m mad at myself for not being able to stop it. i’m just so close to exploding i can’t stand it.

november 26, 2014:

j’s mom bought the chocolate almond milk with 20 more calories in it than the other one we had and now i don’t want to touch it. and i’m sad. i’ve been craving insane quantities of chocolate for the past like month and a half and i don’t know why

november 27, 2014: (basically a live blog of thanksgiving and how frustrated i was at my sis)

I need to somehow figure out how to double my sisters intake, because if i calculated what she’ll be having for dinner and dessert correctly (including 2 boosts that she has yet to drink) she’ll only be have way to her goal for the day. idk what to do to get the calories up higher… unless i make her a big mug of hot cocoa later using her whole milk and maybe some coconut creamer to boost the calories even more? idk idk idk
i understand what she’s doing. it’s the disorder. but i thought she’d want to stay out of inpatient?? but no. she’s in the bathroom dumping her boost sown the drain instead. and she’s already going to be under calories today as it is (unless i can figure out a way to add more in)
this whole situation is just really triggering. and i want to be okay and i’ve been trying to eat more to show her it’s ok to eat and she’s just not, like she’s eating but not nearly enough and he’s at like half her meal plan goal and i can’t do shit about it. and me eating more to encourage her is triggering me and it’s not even working anyway i wish i would have just not done it because it didn’t work. and i know she’ll be back inpatient next week after her appointment. and my mom asked if i was ok and needed to see the doctors too and that they have a really good outpatient and inpatient program about an hour away from j’s and just ugh ugh ugh. i can’t do this. i just wan to crawl in a hole and forget this whole situation ever happened.
she ate less at dinner than anticipated. ugh. she has literally had half of what she needs and she refuses to drink her milk, she dumped her boost and will more than likely do the same to the next. and she’s just going inpatient and my mother better not blame me for this because i can see it coming already. i tried. i asked her to drink it, told her it was part of her meal plan, that i could turn it into hot cocoa for her. nope. nothing. i can’t do this. i can’t. and on top of all that i feel like a fucking whale because i ate much more than i feel like i should have (though probably still a hell of a lot less than i should actually be eating)

november 28, 2014:

dad is home. can’t go to work until the doctors at the follow up appointment tell him he can (hopefully they’ll figure out something at work because his income is the only income in the house) but hey, he gets to relax for a bit and play video games while they figure out what happened.
he just said it was his luck for this to happen now because this is the first time he’s had this holiday weekend off since he started working where he does.
I just bought him Skyrim for the ps3 for christmas because he loved oblivion so much. so hopefully he’ll like this one. I still want to replace his special collectors copy of hitchHicker’s guide to the Galaxy (because the chinchillas or the rabbit ate it). but that’ll be later once i get another order or two so i have the money for it.

november 29, 2014:

my mom suggested that i get evaluated at the ED clinic and see if they’d take me on as outpatient. like this is the first time she’s ever acknowledged that I have an ED in all the years that i’ve had it. (probably only because my weight is kinda low atm, but still) and idk what to do about it. like should i go for it or should i not even bother because they probs wouldn’t take me on with my impossibly long list of food allergies. and just thinking about going into treatment makes my chest feel all tight with anxiety because i don’t want to gain weight and i don’t want to be fat and idk. idk what to do.
you know, it kind of really shows me how far i’ve slipped back from even just a month ago. i was jealous a month ago of my sister getting treatment for her eating disorder and I wasn’t. Now? I might have the chance and I’m backing away with my tail between my legs and because i don’t “want” to?? what the fuck happened?

november 30, 2014:

kind of mind blown that i’m 6 pounds away from the same bmi my sister has right now and she’s in treatment…. like what? i don’t feel any different. I’m still pretty much wearing all the same clothes i did 20 pounds ago, except some new jeans. but like. wtf?
at the same time that kinda makes me more determined to lose even more weight? even though i’m not actually trying to lose weight. i am and i know if i wasn’t losing weight i’d go insane. but like idk. then again i said i’d stop losing weight 10 pounds ago. and i’m still going.
i just don’t even feel sick most of the time? like shouldn’t i feel like there’s something wrong with me or what i’m doing? when most of the time i just don’t even realize it? idk i just don’t feel like i’m that bad most of the time. or bad at all really. i know others would disagree. but idc they don’t actually know what’s going on in my head.
and i say this as i’ve only had 2 squares of vegan chocolate and a slice of pumpkin bread and a cup of hot cocoa and it’s 4:30pm….
convincing myself it’s okay to lose another ~6 pounds before I even think about going into treatment. sigh. how is this a good idea? how have i managed to talk myself into this? who knows, but it’s apparently a thing that apparently needs to happen. sigh. it’s always 5 more pounds. just 5 more until i get to zero and can’t lose another 5.
i was feeling ballsy and asked j’s sister for advice on the whole ED and ED clinic thing and now i regret my decision. like i know she’ll actually give a shit and give me good advice but i regret saying anything because like i don’t want it to seem too serious because i don’t think it is?

december 1, 2014:

ok i feel stupid about this but i’m def losing 5 pounds before that eval. because idk. i want to be ~recognized~ with the actual ~disorder~ that i ~have~ and not ednos (not that there’s anything wrong with ednos, my brain is just stupid and wants the anorexia diagnosis) stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. i need to lose at least 5 pounds anyway bc fat. maybe 10 would be better, but let’s not get carried away here.
i’m stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. why do i need to prove anything to anybody? why do i not feel like i’m sick? why do i need to drop more weight to feel recognized? what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m 95 lbs and suddenly i want to beat my low weight?? i said i wouldn’t go there again. and yet here i am.

december 2, 2014:

Hahahaha who am i kidding? I don’t even have a problem.

laptops been broken so here’s all the updates i didn’t get to post:

October 30, 2014:

Depression and eating disorders are not fun and cute and quirky. they are awful and painful. you sit around and cry for no reason. anyone who cares about you asks you why and you cant answer. anyone who cares about you will try to help and when you can’t accept their help they’ll leave because they can’t sit there and just watch you destroy yourself in front of their eyes while they do nothing. they are misery and death. there is nothing fun or cute or quirky about them. you will not end up thin or happy. you will end up miserable and maybe/probably dead.

—-

I just want my bunny and I want to cuddle her and I want to not feel like crying for a little while or all the time and I just hate feeling this way and I hate that I hate feeling full I hate that I can’t stand not being full I hate that I’m terrified of eating and I hate that I panic at the thought of meals and I hate being so big and fat gross and just having so much fat on this body makes me want to scream and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days so I don’t have to feel like this for a little while or thinking like this for a while and I can’t stand the awful feeling that’s sunk so deep into bones that I just can’t seem to get rid of. Its always there and I seem to have released it once again.

—-

October 31, 2014:

I’ve gained 4 fucking pounds in the last week. what the fucking fuck. I’m ready to explode and scream. i can’t do this. i can’t stand this body. i want out.

Really beyond tempted to purge lately and idk if I can hold out much longer. And it really sucks cause I know purging never makes me lose weight, I always from it because it leads to more binges but my mind somehow always convinces me otherwise and I can’t stand it anymore quite frankly. I want to explode. I can’t stand this body. I hate it

November 2, 2014:

lost 1.5 lbs over the weekend. so relieved that my weight is going back down again. I’m hoping the rest will be back off again by the end of the week. i can’t stand my body. i want it smaller. i want this fat off of me. i can’t stand how huge my thighs are. I will never come to accept the size of my thighs. i don’t care if it’s my body type and genetics, i hate that my thighs are always so huge and will probably always be huge. I want them smaller. i want to feel my bones again.

what if j can’t handle me when i’m sad all the time. what if he can’t stand looking at me when my bones show. what if he can’t stand touching me because I’m all sharp corners and no soft curves. what if i can’t stand him look at me or touching me because i’m so uncomfortable in my skin. what happens then. what will he do. will he be able to handle it. because i don’t think i can’t handle this much more and i’ve broken already and he’s seen almost a week long flash of that side of me because i cracked. what happens when i can’t cover up the crack anymore and i’m stuck like that for a long while? what happens then? i just want to be okay. but that’s not an option right now and i can’t do anything about it and i just want him to be okay and i don’t want to hurt him but i can’t stop and i can’t do anything but i don’t want him to hurt too because i’m hurting enough for the both of us.

November 3, 2014

hahaha remember that time when J said he didn’t even notice my weight loss over the past year? yeah.. me too.. like i’ve lost enough for it to be pretty damn visible and he’s all like “what? you lost weight? I didn’t notice” and like yeah that totally makes me feel great about myself. totally. i mean i know he sees me everyday so the difference may be hard to realize because he’s seen the gradual process. but 20 pounds is quite a bit on anyone and especially on a short frame like mine. like how can you NOT notice that. but at the same time i’m like, cool, you didn’t notice so i can keep losing and you won’t actually notice for a while. but like still.. damn was that a gut punch in the self esteem that i don’t really even have in the first place.

My moods are really freaking weird lately. Sometimes im just like things are okay and I’m alright. To most of the time being like I just want sleep forever I hate myself I can’t stand living Luke this and about to cry. I don’t like this

November 4, 2014:

I always feel like I’ve eaten so much, but then I go back and write it all down and calculate the calories and I’m always so sure that I’ve missed something because I had to have eaten more. and idk. i just don’t know how to feel about this.

November 5, 2014:

It’s difficult to eat today. i mean, I’ll probably end up bingeing later tonight at like 9-11pm like i have been lately. but seriously want that to stop too. binges are not good, especially before bed, they make me not be able to sleep and it sucks and being tired constantly on top of being fatigued all the time. and i just can’t function. and i need to function. i can’t not function. but i’m not really functioning right now. and none of this probably makes any sense. i’m just going to drink tea and try not to cry

brb bingeing my weight in vegan chocolate chips. did i call it or what?

almond milk hot carob with Kahlua counts as food right?

November 6, 2014

I feel so disgusting and so disgusted with my body. why do i have to eat? i just want to curl up in a ball with endless tea and not have to deal with anything. I have to shower so i can go to class later and I really don’t want to look at my body but like i have to in order to shower and that’s been really off putting so i haven’t been showering daily like i used to and i’m lucky if i shower every other day, but yeah i’m gross. i can’t stand this body. or myself. or my brain for making me think these things and feel this way.

November 7, 2014:

i go back and forth between restricting and bingeing. sigh. it’s so frustrating. can’t i just restrict and disappear instead of stuff myself silly.

November 9, 2014

I’m really not cool with this freezing all the time business. My fingers and toes keep turning purple. It’s not fun.

Aaaaand I have a nosebleed for the second day in a row. Fun. Gotta get some steam up in this house and hope that its just because of the dry cold weather and not my body falling apart more

November 10, 2014:

Ready to cry from stress and frustration.

ate a lot of chocolate because stress craving. now i just want to cry more because fat. I can never win

November 11, 2014

procrastinating so hard on life right now. things are overdue and i promised to have other things done by the end of the week and i’m just feeling to shit in general and about myself to do them and i feel awful. and i really need to get them done anyway. but even if i wanted to there is no privacy in this house to get anything done and it’s so beyond frustrating.I just keep wanting to yell at myself why can’t you do anything. I’m gonna have to cancel some of those things because it’s just not possible for me to do them right now. (though it’ll leave me out of 80$ that i was gonna get for it…. and i need that money, i’ve gotta start saving for next semesters classes)

pretty sure i’m ready to explode with tears and excess amounts of food.

November 12, 2014

My bunny died.

November 14, 2014

This whole week has been an ” I want to drink, but i shouldn’t” week and i still don’t know if i should drink or not

November 15, 2014

I’m not okay and i’m just distracting myself with anything i can bcause it physically hurts to cry at this point and i can’t deal and i can’t function and there are so many things i need to do that i just can’t get myself to do and i want everyone to leave me alone but i don’t want to be left alone i just want them to stop talking to me and i just want to be okay but i’m not and i want/need/have to lose weight and i hate my body and myself and i’m too brokn to function or care but all i do is care too much and i can’t stop and i just want to stop eating and i need a goddamn drink or 50 and i can’t do this.