Sister

my sister just got admitted to the eating disorder ward yesterday. she’s really upset. but she needs to be there. she’s getting the help she needs and I hope she can get better and fully recover and not have to deal with all this shit like I have to. I want her to be okay and better and healthy.

I’m also insanely jealous that she’s getting help and treatment and I never will. I hate it. I’m happy she’s there and getting help, but I hate that I’ve never gotten help and probably never will.

I’m just so conflicted on how to feel. I’ve been on the verge of tears since I woke up because i feel guilty for being jealous with only leads me to use ED to numb that feeling which just makes me more jealous all over again. It’s so fucking fucked up. I can’t function.

and i don’t know how to act/react either. and that just makes me feel stupid. like I have an eating disorder, i should know how to react to someone else who has an eating disorder. but i dont. and it just makes me feel like a fucking idiot.

98

98. I should feel better about this, right? I should feel good? Satisfied? Relieved? I should be able to sigh and finally be able to take a deep breathe?

I don’t feel anything. I don’t know why I expected anything other than this. I don’t know why I thought this would be enough. It’s not. It never is. Double digits is always a slippery slope. I feel like once I reach it or get close to it, i’ll be fine and nothing will go wrong. I won’t relapse, I’ll be fine. I’m always wrong. I always relapse.

I always get worse because I always want more from me and less of me. I never win. I never get free of this cycle. I’m always trapped in this winding stairwell

I tried my hardest
to make you feel
something, anything.

But in the end,
Out of all the things
I made you feel
You only remembered the bad things.

Like the time I
made you cry
when you peeled off my pants
after I had crawled into your bed
and you saw all the
blood and slices in my skin.

You remembered the time
I made you yell so loud
that the neighbors came up
from downstairs to check up on you
because you found out I was smoking
because my cigarettes fell out
of my sweatshirt pocket.

Or the time I
passed out on your bed
shaking and sweating and barely breathing.

You were scared,
I could feel it, sense it.
I tried to scream apologies at you
but you couldn’t hear
over the chattering of my teeth.

Like the time you couldn’t
look at me, my face,
for a day because I
made myself throw up
that meal you bought
special, just for me.

I screamed apologies,
I tried to breathe them
into your lungs,
but it turns out
I was just drowning you
instead.

I’m sorry.

But you forgot the good
things that I made you feel.

Like when you spent an
entire day with our friends
at the mall, searching for
the perfect valentines day present.
And when you finally found it
you couldn’t keep that
stupid grin off your face
until you handed it to me.

It was a stuffed rabbit
I slept with it every night.
Even after we broke up.
The first time
and the second time.
I didn’t stop sleeping
with that bunny
until I had found someone else.

Or the time we went
to that concert
and we sang and shouted
our favorite song
at each other and
with the crowd all around us.
That was also the
weekend that we lost
our virginity to each other.

You said that virginity wasn’t
that big of a deal.
But i could tell that
it meant a lot more
to you than you let on.
That’s okay,
it meant a lot
to me too.

But you don’t remember
all of those things.
You only remember
the hurt that I
never meant to
inflict on you.

smashing my head against the table because I’ve had too many calories today and by too many I actually mean less than the recommended amount but too much for my ED. It’s under 1,200 freaking calories and I’m still ready to rip my skin off. 1,200. when did this become too much? When did this become a problem? Why the fuck am I so fucked up? I feel so fucking massive. I can’t stand being at this weight anymore. i can’t stand eating anymore, yet it’s all I do. I can’t deal with this. I’m huge. I’m huge. I’m huge. I can’t do this. I can’t. I need to stop eating. I need to lose weight. i can’t eat. I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I’m huge. I’m huge. I’m huge.