Dad was in the hospital. apparently had a really bad seizure but the doctors couldn’t figure out why because all the tests came back negative. We think it was due to his blood sugar being way too high. that was on wednesday, he got home on friday. i brought him and my mom and my older sister some thanksgiving dinner and dessert to go in the hospital. I was watching over my younger sister, making sure she stuck to her meal plan (since she’s in ED recovery outpatient treatment) she didn’t stick to it, got about half way to her goal, but she did really good considering all the circumstances. I am slipping back into old habits more so now than before. and my younger sister called me out on it and i just told her yeah i’ve had an ed for years but mines gone untreated and you are really lucky to be getting treatment. I’m 95 pounds now. 5-6 pounds away from the same BMI my sister has..
anyway here’s the rest of the updates:
november 16, 2014:
I really wish my body wasn’t so needy.
november 17, 2014:
I’m so huge and fat and gross and i can’t stand it
november 18, 2014:
Last night went from pretty shitty to pretty damn good to suicidal
November 19, 2014:
haven’t talked since monday night, really don’t plan to anytime soon either. can’t say way, just don’t want to/don’t feel like it.
also haven’t really eaten much since then… unless you could 2 spoonfuls of almond butter (~200), 6 cashews (~98), and a bout 1/4 cup of dried cherries (~98). I’ve had some liquid calories too, but not much: maybe 1/3 cup of pumpkin spice almond milk (~35-40), ~1/3 cup apple cider (~50), and some chocolate almond milk (~100).
I don’t really feel like eating either. i only had what i did so i would stop shaking…
I always manage to surprise myself with how quickly I can get bad again…
November 20, 2014:
food is hard… tea is easier…
i know j’s mom is pissed off at me because i’m not eating (and not talking) but like being pissed off and angry at me doesn’t help?? It makes me want to avoid you even more?? It just makes things worse?? So don’t do it??
november 21, 2014:
i can look surprisingly well put together when i’m actually falling apart into a giant puddle of messy goop.
anyway. went to class last night. didn’t cry or hyperventilate.
J cooked me dinner too because i was too scared to eat and too weak/too low of blood pressure to make/get myself something. cried when he put it infront of me because that’s the first “meal” i’ve had since monday. first real solid food since monday, unless you count a couple cashews and a handful of dried cherries. it wasn’t even like a full calorie dense meal. it was more like snack like quantities. but it was still solid food and in a meal like setting. so it was terrifying. but i ate it all anyway. i knew i needed it. if i didn’t eat it i would have passed out or something before the morning. (and besides afterwards led to some great sex and i actually had the energy to do things so yeah it was great)
I still feel like it made me fat though even though i know that’s not possible…. so it didn’t really get me anywhere except to not passing out, which i mean that great and all…. but i don’t think it was any actual progress.
November 22, 2014:
like i get that things are expensive and i get that you don’t want to spend money. but i’m only willing to eat a select few things right now and saying that you don’t want to spend much money is basically telling me you don’t want me to eat because my food is expensive. I can’t fucking help that my food is expensive. I wish it was cheaper too. but if you don’t want to pay the money for the food i can eat, then don’t bitch about me not eating. because it’s really fucking pissing me off. oh food is so expensive. i don’t want to pay that much. and i’m sitting here like all i want are 6 vegan yogurts, a pint of vegan ice cream, 3 pomegranates, and maybe like 2 vegan chocolate bars. but noOoOoOo that’s so expensive because the ice cream is 5$ and the yogurts are 3-4$ each and the chocolate bars are 3-4$ each and the pomegranates are on sale but they’re 3 for 5$ and wow that a lot of money for so little food. Fuck you. i know it is. so what? it’s what i can eat and what i’m willing to eat. i’ll gladly just not fucking eat then if you’d prefer not to spend money. oh and don’t even get me started on the tea. It is winter, i can’t regulate body temperature on my own, i need an outside source. and since my heated blanket broke, all i have is tea and a very small heat therapy microwave thing. so yes, i’m going to want to spend money on tea. because to me, it IS a necessity. it keeps me from getting hypothermia from my own body not being able to function properly.
november 23, 2014:
right now i’m at the lowest weight i’ve ever been in my “Adult” life. as in, the last time i weighed what i do now (95), I was 17. and i’m mad at myself that my disorder is happy (but obvs not satisfied yet). I’m mad at myself about the fact that i’ve relapsed. I’m mad at myself for not being able to stop it. i’m just so close to exploding i can’t stand it.
november 26, 2014:
j’s mom bought the chocolate almond milk with 20 more calories in it than the other one we had and now i don’t want to touch it. and i’m sad. i’ve been craving insane quantities of chocolate for the past like month and a half and i don’t know why
november 27, 2014: (basically a live blog of thanksgiving and how frustrated i was at my sis)
I need to somehow figure out how to double my sisters intake, because if i calculated what she’ll be having for dinner and dessert correctly (including 2 boosts that she has yet to drink) she’ll only be have way to her goal for the day. idk what to do to get the calories up higher… unless i make her a big mug of hot cocoa later using her whole milk and maybe some coconut creamer to boost the calories even more? idk idk idk
i understand what she’s doing. it’s the disorder. but i thought she’d want to stay out of inpatient?? but no. she’s in the bathroom dumping her boost sown the drain instead. and she’s already going to be under calories today as it is (unless i can figure out a way to add more in)
this whole situation is just really triggering. and i want to be okay and i’ve been trying to eat more to show her it’s ok to eat and she’s just not, like she’s eating but not nearly enough and he’s at like half her meal plan goal and i can’t do shit about it. and me eating more to encourage her is triggering me and it’s not even working anyway i wish i would have just not done it because it didn’t work. and i know she’ll be back inpatient next week after her appointment. and my mom asked if i was ok and needed to see the doctors too and that they have a really good outpatient and inpatient program about an hour away from j’s and just ugh ugh ugh. i can’t do this. i just wan to crawl in a hole and forget this whole situation ever happened.
she ate less at dinner than anticipated. ugh. she has literally had half of what she needs and she refuses to drink her milk, she dumped her boost and will more than likely do the same to the next. and she’s just going inpatient and my mother better not blame me for this because i can see it coming already. i tried. i asked her to drink it, told her it was part of her meal plan, that i could turn it into hot cocoa for her. nope. nothing. i can’t do this. i can’t. and on top of all that i feel like a fucking whale because i ate much more than i feel like i should have (though probably still a hell of a lot less than i should actually be eating)
november 28, 2014:
dad is home. can’t go to work until the doctors at the follow up appointment tell him he can (hopefully they’ll figure out something at work because his income is the only income in the house) but hey, he gets to relax for a bit and play video games while they figure out what happened.
he just said it was his luck for this to happen now because this is the first time he’s had this holiday weekend off since he started working where he does.
I just bought him Skyrim for the ps3 for christmas because he loved oblivion so much. so hopefully he’ll like this one. I still want to replace his special collectors copy of hitchHicker’s guide to the Galaxy (because the chinchillas or the rabbit ate it). but that’ll be later once i get another order or two so i have the money for it.
november 29, 2014:
my mom suggested that i get evaluated at the ED clinic and see if they’d take me on as outpatient. like this is the first time she’s ever acknowledged that I have an ED in all the years that i’ve had it. (probably only because my weight is kinda low atm, but still) and idk what to do about it. like should i go for it or should i not even bother because they probs wouldn’t take me on with my impossibly long list of food allergies. and just thinking about going into treatment makes my chest feel all tight with anxiety because i don’t want to gain weight and i don’t want to be fat and idk. idk what to do.
you know, it kind of really shows me how far i’ve slipped back from even just a month ago. i was jealous a month ago of my sister getting treatment for her eating disorder and I wasn’t. Now? I might have the chance and I’m backing away with my tail between my legs and because i don’t “want” to?? what the fuck happened?
november 30, 2014:
kind of mind blown that i’m 6 pounds away from the same bmi my sister has right now and she’s in treatment…. like what? i don’t feel any different. I’m still pretty much wearing all the same clothes i did 20 pounds ago, except some new jeans. but like. wtf?
at the same time that kinda makes me more determined to lose even more weight? even though i’m not actually trying to lose weight. i am and i know if i wasn’t losing weight i’d go insane. but like idk. then again i said i’d stop losing weight 10 pounds ago. and i’m still going.
i just don’t even feel sick most of the time? like shouldn’t i feel like there’s something wrong with me or what i’m doing? when most of the time i just don’t even realize it? idk i just don’t feel like i’m that bad most of the time. or bad at all really. i know others would disagree. but idc they don’t actually know what’s going on in my head.
and i say this as i’ve only had 2 squares of vegan chocolate and a slice of pumpkin bread and a cup of hot cocoa and it’s 4:30pm….
convincing myself it’s okay to lose another ~6 pounds before I even think about going into treatment. sigh. how is this a good idea? how have i managed to talk myself into this? who knows, but it’s apparently a thing that apparently needs to happen. sigh. it’s always 5 more pounds. just 5 more until i get to zero and can’t lose another 5.
i was feeling ballsy and asked j’s sister for advice on the whole ED and ED clinic thing and now i regret my decision. like i know she’ll actually give a shit and give me good advice but i regret saying anything because like i don’t want it to seem too serious because i don’t think it is?
december 1, 2014:
ok i feel stupid about this but i’m def losing 5 pounds before that eval. because idk. i want to be ~recognized~ with the actual ~disorder~ that i ~have~ and not ednos (not that there’s anything wrong with ednos, my brain is just stupid and wants the anorexia diagnosis) stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. i need to lose at least 5 pounds anyway bc fat. maybe 10 would be better, but let’s not get carried away here.
i’m stupid. stupid. stupid. stupid. why do i need to prove anything to anybody? why do i not feel like i’m sick? why do i need to drop more weight to feel recognized? what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m 95 lbs and suddenly i want to beat my low weight?? i said i wouldn’t go there again. and yet here i am.
december 2, 2014:
Hahahaha who am i kidding? I don’t even have a problem.