I feel big and huge and gross. and I want to lose weight even though I calculated that since july of last year I’ve lost 19 pounds already and I don’t really care cause I still feel huge. i feel more huge now than I did then. and i can’t stand it. maybe if i just lose a few more pounds i can convince myself i’m not huge.

i’m getting bad again and I know it. but idk how to stop it or if i really want to. like yeah i don’t wanna do this. but i also really do. and i also can’t really do anything about it. because i fight i get worse. i don’t fight i get worse. it’s just a lose lose situation that i can’t get out of. and i might as well just lose some weight anyway. i mean i feel shit about how pudgy my body is right now so who cares. i don’t know. I’m just really shit. I’m a mess. my life is a mess. my world is a mess. 

I don’t even recognize myself/my own body anymore. like I’ll be scrolling through my dash or facebook or whatever and I’ll scroll past a picture of me and make a little comment in my head about it and then I’ll scroll back up to get a closer look and realize it’s me and i get so confused. How can i not even recognize myself? i do this constantly now. i don’t even know what i look like anymore. did i ever? idk.

That whole statement “it’s so hard to talk when all you want to do is die” or however it goes, has never been more true and relatable than last night. i’m doing really badly. I hate myself and my body so much. I’m more than positive the scale is broken, if it’s not I’ve lost another 1/2 a pound since yesterday. which i’m pretty sure is impossible. I look bigger than ever. and that’s not just my imagination, my belly is swollen and bloated painfully and my clothes are tight and I can’t stand it.

I’m supposed to go to an important even with J later and dress nicely and the dress I wanted to wear, I don’t think I’ll be able to because of how bloated my stomach is. I don’t really have anything else nice to wear. unless I wear my black high waist pants with a sweater and my blazer? I don’t know. I just feel so huge and disgusting.

I couldn’t have sex yesterday with J at all, I felt to disgusting to get even remotely into it. I cried after trying because it’s so fucked up how i feel so awful about my body that I can’t even have sex. i’m just miserable and disgusting.

I don’t know what’s going to happen if I lose more weight, relapse further, or get worse. I’m just hoping J will stick around through it.

I’m scared to go visit my sister in the hospital because just being around her is triggering. and being in an eating disorder ward without being admitted/part of it is just scary and triggering. and i’m scared to go there and be triggered by the others there that are also so much thinner than I am. and it’s all really ridiculous because this is the adolescent ward and I’m an adult and i shouldn’t be thinking these things or feeling these things. and i shouldn’t be jealous of prepubescent and sick bodies but i am and i can’t do anything about it. and i just want to see my sister and have everything be okay but i just can’t do it. and that “slow relapse” that i thought i was in has very quickly led to a full blown relapse and i don’t know what to do anymore.

Sister

my sister just got admitted to the eating disorder ward yesterday. she’s really upset. but she needs to be there. she’s getting the help she needs and I hope she can get better and fully recover and not have to deal with all this shit like I have to. I want her to be okay and better and healthy.

I’m also insanely jealous that she’s getting help and treatment and I never will. I hate it. I’m happy she’s there and getting help, but I hate that I’ve never gotten help and probably never will.

I’m just so conflicted on how to feel. I’ve been on the verge of tears since I woke up because i feel guilty for being jealous with only leads me to use ED to numb that feeling which just makes me more jealous all over again. It’s so fucking fucked up. I can’t function.

and i don’t know how to act/react either. and that just makes me feel stupid. like I have an eating disorder, i should know how to react to someone else who has an eating disorder. but i dont. and it just makes me feel like a fucking idiot.