laptops been broken so here’s all the updates i didn’t get to post:

October 30, 2014:

Depression and eating disorders are not fun and cute and quirky. they are awful and painful. you sit around and cry for no reason. anyone who cares about you asks you why and you cant answer. anyone who cares about you will try to help and when you can’t accept their help they’ll leave because they can’t sit there and just watch you destroy yourself in front of their eyes while they do nothing. they are misery and death. there is nothing fun or cute or quirky about them. you will not end up thin or happy. you will end up miserable and maybe/probably dead.

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I just want my bunny and I want to cuddle her and I want to not feel like crying for a little while or all the time and I just hate feeling this way and I hate that I hate feeling full I hate that I can’t stand not being full I hate that I’m terrified of eating and I hate that I panic at the thought of meals and I hate being so big and fat gross and just having so much fat on this body makes me want to scream and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days so I don’t have to feel like this for a little while or thinking like this for a while and I can’t stand the awful feeling that’s sunk so deep into bones that I just can’t seem to get rid of. Its always there and I seem to have released it once again.

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October 31, 2014:

I’ve gained 4 fucking pounds in the last week. what the fucking fuck. I’m ready to explode and scream. i can’t do this. i can’t stand this body. i want out.

Really beyond tempted to purge lately and idk if I can hold out much longer. And it really sucks cause I know purging never makes me lose weight, I always from it because it leads to more binges but my mind somehow always convinces me otherwise and I can’t stand it anymore quite frankly. I want to explode. I can’t stand this body. I hate it

November 2, 2014:

lost 1.5 lbs over the weekend. so relieved that my weight is going back down again. I’m hoping the rest will be back off again by the end of the week. i can’t stand my body. i want it smaller. i want this fat off of me. i can’t stand how huge my thighs are. I will never come to accept the size of my thighs. i don’t care if it’s my body type and genetics, i hate that my thighs are always so huge and will probably always be huge. I want them smaller. i want to feel my bones again.

what if j can’t handle me when i’m sad all the time. what if he can’t stand looking at me when my bones show. what if he can’t stand touching me because I’m all sharp corners and no soft curves. what if i can’t stand him look at me or touching me because i’m so uncomfortable in my skin. what happens then. what will he do. will he be able to handle it. because i don’t think i can’t handle this much more and i’ve broken already and he’s seen almost a week long flash of that side of me because i cracked. what happens when i can’t cover up the crack anymore and i’m stuck like that for a long while? what happens then? i just want to be okay. but that’s not an option right now and i can’t do anything about it and i just want him to be okay and i don’t want to hurt him but i can’t stop and i can’t do anything but i don’t want him to hurt too because i’m hurting enough for the both of us.

November 3, 2014

hahaha remember that time when J said he didn’t even notice my weight loss over the past year? yeah.. me too.. like i’ve lost enough for it to be pretty damn visible and he’s all like “what? you lost weight? I didn’t notice” and like yeah that totally makes me feel great about myself. totally. i mean i know he sees me everyday so the difference may be hard to realize because he’s seen the gradual process. but 20 pounds is quite a bit on anyone and especially on a short frame like mine. like how can you NOT notice that. but at the same time i’m like, cool, you didn’t notice so i can keep losing and you won’t actually notice for a while. but like still.. damn was that a gut punch in the self esteem that i don’t really even have in the first place.

My moods are really freaking weird lately. Sometimes im just like things are okay and I’m alright. To most of the time being like I just want sleep forever I hate myself I can’t stand living Luke this and about to cry. I don’t like this

November 4, 2014:

I always feel like I’ve eaten so much, but then I go back and write it all down and calculate the calories and I’m always so sure that I’ve missed something because I had to have eaten more. and idk. i just don’t know how to feel about this.

November 5, 2014:

It’s difficult to eat today. i mean, I’ll probably end up bingeing later tonight at like 9-11pm like i have been lately. but seriously want that to stop too. binges are not good, especially before bed, they make me not be able to sleep and it sucks and being tired constantly on top of being fatigued all the time. and i just can’t function. and i need to function. i can’t not function. but i’m not really functioning right now. and none of this probably makes any sense. i’m just going to drink tea and try not to cry

brb bingeing my weight in vegan chocolate chips. did i call it or what?

almond milk hot carob with Kahlua counts as food right?

November 6, 2014

I feel so disgusting and so disgusted with my body. why do i have to eat? i just want to curl up in a ball with endless tea and not have to deal with anything. I have to shower so i can go to class later and I really don’t want to look at my body but like i have to in order to shower and that’s been really off putting so i haven’t been showering daily like i used to and i’m lucky if i shower every other day, but yeah i’m gross. i can’t stand this body. or myself. or my brain for making me think these things and feel this way.

November 7, 2014:

i go back and forth between restricting and bingeing. sigh. it’s so frustrating. can’t i just restrict and disappear instead of stuff myself silly.

November 9, 2014

I’m really not cool with this freezing all the time business. My fingers and toes keep turning purple. It’s not fun.

Aaaaand I have a nosebleed for the second day in a row. Fun. Gotta get some steam up in this house and hope that its just because of the dry cold weather and not my body falling apart more

November 10, 2014:

Ready to cry from stress and frustration.

ate a lot of chocolate because stress craving. now i just want to cry more because fat. I can never win

November 11, 2014

procrastinating so hard on life right now. things are overdue and i promised to have other things done by the end of the week and i’m just feeling to shit in general and about myself to do them and i feel awful. and i really need to get them done anyway. but even if i wanted to there is no privacy in this house to get anything done and it’s so beyond frustrating.I just keep wanting to yell at myself why can’t you do anything. I’m gonna have to cancel some of those things because it’s just not possible for me to do them right now. (though it’ll leave me out of 80$ that i was gonna get for it…. and i need that money, i’ve gotta start saving for next semesters classes)

pretty sure i’m ready to explode with tears and excess amounts of food.

November 12, 2014

My bunny died.

November 14, 2014

This whole week has been an ” I want to drink, but i shouldn’t” week and i still don’t know if i should drink or not

November 15, 2014

I’m not okay and i’m just distracting myself with anything i can bcause it physically hurts to cry at this point and i can’t deal and i can’t function and there are so many things i need to do that i just can’t get myself to do and i want everyone to leave me alone but i don’t want to be left alone i just want them to stop talking to me and i just want to be okay but i’m not and i want/need/have to lose weight and i hate my body and myself and i’m too brokn to function or care but all i do is care too much and i can’t stop and i just want to stop eating and i need a goddamn drink or 50 and i can’t do this.

Hide.

I’m terrified that I’m in this place again. I’m terrified of what i might do this time around. I’m terrified I might not make it through this time.

I shouldn’t have made it through the last time. I should have died a hundred times over. What will happen this time? What if I’m not so lucky?

You can only test your luck for so long before you finally get unlucky.

what will happen this time?

I don’t know. and I’m terrified to find out.

breakdown.

This weekend has finally brought me to my breaking point. Mental breakdown. I can’t function. I’m almost in tears ever minute of every day and I can’t explain why. I’ve cried twice in the past two days, not just tears falling down my cheeks crying, but complete and utter sobbing. I can’t make plans. I can’t make decisions. I can’t see it. I can’t do it. I can’t function.

I feel big and huge and gross. and I want to lose weight even though I calculated that since july of last year I’ve lost 19 pounds already and I don’t really care cause I still feel huge. i feel more huge now than I did then. and i can’t stand it. maybe if i just lose a few more pounds i can convince myself i’m not huge.

i’m getting bad again and I know it. but idk how to stop it or if i really want to. like yeah i don’t wanna do this. but i also really do. and i also can’t really do anything about it. because i fight i get worse. i don’t fight i get worse. it’s just a lose lose situation that i can’t get out of. and i might as well just lose some weight anyway. i mean i feel shit about how pudgy my body is right now so who cares. i don’t know. I’m just really shit. I’m a mess. my life is a mess. my world is a mess. 

I don’t even recognize myself/my own body anymore. like I’ll be scrolling through my dash or facebook or whatever and I’ll scroll past a picture of me and make a little comment in my head about it and then I’ll scroll back up to get a closer look and realize it’s me and i get so confused. How can i not even recognize myself? i do this constantly now. i don’t even know what i look like anymore. did i ever? idk.

That whole statement “it’s so hard to talk when all you want to do is die” or however it goes, has never been more true and relatable than last night. i’m doing really badly. I hate myself and my body so much. I’m more than positive the scale is broken, if it’s not I’ve lost another 1/2 a pound since yesterday. which i’m pretty sure is impossible. I look bigger than ever. and that’s not just my imagination, my belly is swollen and bloated painfully and my clothes are tight and I can’t stand it.

I’m supposed to go to an important even with J later and dress nicely and the dress I wanted to wear, I don’t think I’ll be able to because of how bloated my stomach is. I don’t really have anything else nice to wear. unless I wear my black high waist pants with a sweater and my blazer? I don’t know. I just feel so huge and disgusting.

I couldn’t have sex yesterday with J at all, I felt to disgusting to get even remotely into it. I cried after trying because it’s so fucked up how i feel so awful about my body that I can’t even have sex. i’m just miserable and disgusting.

I don’t know what’s going to happen if I lose more weight, relapse further, or get worse. I’m just hoping J will stick around through it.