I’m still alive

In case any of you were wondering. My laptop was broken for a while and then my phone went too. But both are back now. I just don’t know what to say.

I’m not doing well. I’m purging again. Everything I do is just a way to push back the inevitable binge and purge. That’s all i can think about lately. I can distract myself with notes and workbooks and sewing and reading and crocheting all I want. but the biggest thing going through my head is when can I get my next fix.

That rush. The surge. The energy. The flow. The pain. The numbness. The racing heartbeat. The light headedness. The empty, quiet head space.

The only time I can actually stand to be alive and in this body is after the purge. the quiet and empty head space is like nothing else. There is no noise, no thoughts, no static. Just silence. I live for that.

My brain is constantly churning. Creating static electricity. It sounds like the static and hum and buzz of a radio turned to a not-quite-there-station. You know they ones, where it is just loud static and white noise with some mumbling or loud noises or a few notes of music that bleed through? That’s the one. Now turn 10 radios (at least) on to one of those stations and put the volume on full blast. turn on 5 more radios on real AM radio stations at full blast. That is my brain. Every day. Nonstop. Everlasting.

There is no silence. So I purge to temporarily unplug all those radios. Like a short circuit. The power eventually comes back on and the radios blast out their noise and I am back in hell again.

shaking in my boots

I have so much to lose this time around with my eating disorder that it’s actually truly terrifying. the rest of my ed i didn’t have anything to lose but my life and i didn’t care about that. but now? I have so much more, so many good things that i don’t want to lose and yet i’m still here and i’m more terrified than ever of losing them. and it’s just, oddly enough, triggering me to use more behaviors, but instead of restricting it’s causing me to binge (i stress binge..) and that’s just making me more miserable and i’ve wanted to cry all day and had to try really really fucking hard not to and i’ve wanted to take more laxatives today though i haven’t yet but i might later. and i’m so so so tempted to purge because of it and i don’t know what i’ll do if i do actually purge. i’ll probably go on a rampage of b/ping and i don’t want to hurt myself but fuck who knows i might. and now that J is here full time if he sees me get to that point… i don’t know what he’ll do and i don’t want to lose him.

1/2/2015

fuck this semester as far as classes go. i’m not taking any. i still need to pay off last semesters bill because they decided to screw me over and charge me more money for some reason. so i need to deal with that and them work on my shop and hopefully promote it enough to make enough money to go back to school for the fall semester. this whole adult thing sucks.

and as far as treatment goes: it’s not happening unless i lose more weight. this isn’t an eating disordered thought anymore, it’s the absolute truth because my mother will guilt trip me to hell if i go in soon while she thinks i’m “better because i look fine” and so the only way to convince her and not have her guilt trip me out of treatment (and then getting worse anyway and having to go back into treatment because she may then deem me worthy of getting help) and it’s just fucking fucked up. so i have to give into my disorder more and lose myself more and get sicker just to prove that i still have this disorder that i’ve had for more than half my life. so shit sucks.

well yeah my disorder is happy about it, but i’m not -like i’m practically in tears because it’s not even an option to try and call the place and get admitted/go outpatient. like she was supposed to be learning things with my sister in her treatment but she’s too thick in the head to get it. and the fact that my sister has a “classic” case of anorexia doesn’t help either. my disorder has morphed into something else that can’t really be defined by any one category anymore. and she just doesn’t see that and telling her how bad it is/was in the past won’t do shit because if i say things i’ve done in the past her answer will be “well you’re not doing that anymore right? so you’re fine.” that will literally be her answer i can tell you that already. and then having her tell me while i’m there possibly in family therapy that i shouldn’t be there because i’m not that bad is just the worst fucking thing. and i really hate this whole thing and any time i think about it now i just start getting tears in my eyes because it fucking sucks and i should have never said anything in the first place to her about wanting treatment because it really has just fucked me over

not much to update on. my weight is back to 96lbs. my parents don’t think i’m sick anymore because i wore makeup on christmas and therefore my “color” was better and i didn’t look like shit so i’m magically cured of the disorder i’ve had for more than half my life whoop-de-fucking-do. so i’m feeling like shit from that.

and my sister is at least maintaining her weight now and isn’t losing more, she’s not inpatient though. they’re doing a half assed out patient with the pediatrician because the place she was going to wanted to lock her in a room and stuff her with food until she was medically stable. so my mom wasn’t having any of that. but she has stabilized for the most part now. her blood pressure is nearing normal (it’s actually higher than mine).

but this pretty much puts treatment off the table for me. I was going to talk with my mom on christmas about my treatment options and then that whole shit storm happened and here I am. basically if I try to do treatment I’ll get guilt tripped/yelled at for “wasting money” on something i don’t really need because i “look fine” in other words i need to lock myself in a room without food for 2 weeks and lose enough weight to bring my bmi lower than my sisters and never wear makeup again. right now my bmi is 18.7 and my sisters is around 18, give or take a bit (i’m not sure what height they’re calculating it from, but i’m going with the one that is probably most accurate for her based on past doctors etc). so i really don’t have all that much more to lose, i’d need to be 92 pounds to get to a bmi of 18. by the time i hit 90 pounds i’ll have a bmi of 17.6. so 4-6 pounds should do it? maybe more just to be sure.

i don’t know. it’s bullshit. and this bullshit makes me want to binge -which i kind of did last night. and i almost purged too. fuck. i’m over a year purge free and this bullshit from my family is making me more than tempted to go into that territory again. fuck.

kinda scared at how christmas is gonna go. my little sis is going to be pissed just because her disorder is trying to be tamed by professionals and mine isn’t. and idk how the conversations will go because i can almost guarantee that treatment talk will come up and i’m still uncomfortable admitting that to them. and idk part of me wants to skip it all together. part of me doesn’t

i don’t think treatment is happening. i have to do it all on my own and i just can’t do that. i tried to ask for help and i got left with a “do it yourself” note. so fuck it. Though if i do lose at least 5 pounds, i may consider it for the new year and just take the semester off from school, because let’s face it, I won’t be able to do both and def won’t be able to afford both.

also i was stupid and accidentally sent my lax tea to the wrong address. they went to my house instead of J’s house. so now i’m freaking out because i can’t use it before the final and idk if i can be mentally stable now because i was depending on it and idk when i’ll be able to take it now or when i’ll get it. and i’m freaking out. i need it before christmas and i need to be able to take it before christmas because i want to be ~clean~ for christmas and i want to get my intestines cleared out and functioning. and i’m ready to cry because i can’t take laxatives and i realize how fucked up that is and how fucked in the head i am.

and j’s mom gave me money to “go shopping and pick out something ‘nice’ to wear for christmas” -because apparently she must be sick of my baggy clothes. but i want to spend that money on lax and appetite suppressants. and i feel like an awful person for that. like i could buy a dress and then spend the rest on that stuff but like i still feel like an awful person. and i’m tempted to order some more lax just to have it sent here so i can use them (and possibly have it express mailed so i’ll have it before the weekend).

ed’s are so fucking expensive. i’ve spent so much more on lax, diet pills, appetite suppressants, scales, and low calorie diet foods/food replacements, and binge food. and it’s fucking insane. even my alcoholism was a hell of a lot less expensive. I can’t even imagine how much money i’d have in the bank right now if i hadn’t spent all that. like i wouldn’t be rich or even close, but i might be a little bit financially stable and be able to afford taking classes or even getting fucking therapy. but noooo i had to spend it all on this fucking disorder.

mom wants me to go to a different place than the one she said she’d call about. idk what the intentions are of that. like does she not think i’m as bad as my sister and therefore don’t need a top rank facility? or does she not want me in treatment with my sister? or what? i don’t know i’m not sure i want to know.

this other place, i can’t even find anything on it. they have a website and a facebook page. no reviews, not on the NEDA site, nothing. it’s sketchy as fuck. and i really don’t want to deal with that.

it’s probably cheaper than the other place and that’s why she’s sending me there cause she doesn’t want to “waste” her money on me “fucking up again” because i can’t follow through. and yet my sister is at home doing outpatient and hiding and dumping food and anything she can behind my moms back and isn’t doing anything for her recovery and isn’t even trying. like double standard much? as usual

i sent them an email anyway asking about their program, a schedule of the typical day, and if they could accommodate my food allergies since i have a ton. i guess we’ll see what they say. I may do the same for the other program that i thought i was going to be going to.

no word from mom today on calling for the appointment. i’m assuming she didn’t have time. today was an appointment for my little sis for her remicade treatment and probably to ask her doctors to transfer her ED treatment over to a different treatment center closer to us (which is the one my mom wants me to go to as well). and she didn’t call yesterday because she was at the lawyers all day. so still no call. the more days go by the less faith i have in her to call. but anyway..

in a way i’m happy she’s taking her time with this because it gives me the chance to lose more weight before the actual eval. but like at the same time it’s kinda sad/annoying/terrible that it’s not a priority? like it’s cool, take care of one of your daughters while the other one starves herself to death in the corner over here. no big deal. but idk. the longer she waits, the more weight i’ll lose and the closer i’ll get to the actual diagnosis of anorexia (instead of ednos) cause like last week i was only 5 pounds away from that anyway, so i just need to drop 5 pounds before the eval appointment and i’ll be set.