A letter to J, Part 2

I’m really sick of this emotional roller coaster ride you’ve been shoving me on for the past few months. One week you’ll be totally fine with me and our relationship and you act like you can’t get enough and everything is great, and the next you can’t even seem to touch me or look at me. And the only reasonings you can give me about your doubts about “our relationship problems” are solely problems you have with me. Not with us, but just with me. All the things you said you didn’t mind or that you wouldn’t hate me for in the beginning, are all the things you get super pissed off about the second I cross your mind. And blaming it on my mental health is a really fucking shitty move too. If I could fix it and be fine, I would be, in a heartbeat. But that’s not the way this thing works. I have mental breakdowns where it’s like there’s something stuck in my gears and I completely shut down because these gears that keep me running are stuck. You don’t think I’m constantly frustrated and fed up with myself about this too? I spend every day wishing I could function and just act and be normal. And the “our zodiac signs aren’t very compatible” thing? Seems like you’re grasping for straws, like you’re just trying to justify your reasoning for not wanting to be with me, or just trying to find a “real” reason.

I’m just sick of being tossed around so much and constantly being thrown under the bus each time like everything wrong with our relationship, in your mind, is all my fault. But as you are so fond of saying “this isn’t a one way street” This relationship takes two people and you seem to be only finding faults in one. And that’s not fair and that’s not true. Maybe learn a little compassion and patience? Because being fed up with something that doesn’t go your way and wanting to throw it to the curb every time is really childish. I’m not some thing, I’m a person, with my own thoughts and wants and needs too.

A letter to J, on recent events.

I can’t help but keep thinking of all the things you said. Everything you’ve said and done is indicative of a breakup (new clothes/look, working out, planning big events without me even remotely involved, etc.) and everything you’ve said (we’re not compatible, we’re total opposites, I went into this relationship thinking I could “fix/change” you, etc.) And I don’t know what to think other than this is what’s going to happen. I feel like I should start packing my shit up and preparing for finding myself living at my house again. You keep saying no, that’s not what I want, but everything you’re saying and doing is showing me otherwise. So please, just fucking explain to me how it’s not. How are you going to work with me through this. You’ve practically given up the last few months, spending more and more time at your computer, avoiding me entirely, cancelling any plans we had to go out to beach or park or wherever, you’ve even given up on sex. I starting initiating more because i felt like we would never have sex if I didn’t. You just stopped giving a shit about the relationship and stood back and let it crumble further. And now you come to me and blow up with all this shit. And yeah, i’m fucking pissed at that. I’ve been trying so hard and i can’t seem to bring you back to me because you keep pushing further away. You’d rather tell random strangers on the internet about your day to day life and your problems than tell me. And that fucking hurts. It hurts like hell. Because i’m so low on your priority list that i’m underneath complete strangers. They know more about you, your day to day life, and your feelings than i do at this point and that isn’t something that should ever happen in a relationship. Why can’t you just come to me with all that? I’m fine if you tell them too, but at least tell me.

It’s so fucking hard to make friends and talk to people when the only person I care about is avoiding you and doesn’t want to talk to you and doesn’t fucking seem to love you either. It’s been fucking lonely and I hate that. It’s so hard to feel anything but that hurt and it makes it nearly impossible to reach out to others for fear that they’ll do the same. This has happened too many fucking times for me to count. Anyone i’ve been in a relationship starts out thinking they can somehow fix me, they never love me for who I actually am. And when they figure out they can’t fix me or change me to their hearts content, they leave me. And that’s exactly what you’ve done too. You may not be physically gone yet, but you’ve been mentally and emotionally gone for too long. I’ve felt like i’m already single for a long time and it’s hard to come to that realization that we practically aren’t in a relationship at this point and that it seems like you’ve given up on it. We’re more like acquaintances that also happen to be occasional fuck buddies than an actual couple that’s been together for 3 ½ years. I just want to know what you really fucking want because i just don’t know anymore.

You want to go out more? Give the extra push that you’ve always known I need, or hand me my fucking xanax. Or, i don’t know, actually accept when I ask you to go out somewhere. You’ve never once said yes to when I’ve asked if you want to go out somewhere, and then you wonder why I never ask to go anywhere? It’s been pretty clear you don’t want to go out anywhere with me so why should I bother to keep pushing it if it’s never going to happen. And I don’t believe for a second that you think all of our relationship problems will be cured once we start going out more. There’s more to it and you just don’t want to say it or aren’t sure how. I don’t know. But it’s ridiculous to think that everything can be fixed by going to the beach or the park or whatever a few times a week. I do want to go out and I want to do things, but whenever we’re out you never seem to be enjoying yourself, you seem frustrated and bored and that’s just a huge turn off to wanting to go and hang out and do something. I don’t want to do something that leaves you so bored that you can’t even focus on what’s going on, or hell, even hold a conversation without having a completely different one on your phone with who knows who. You say you have nothing to talk about, but you talk to them all the time, it can’t be that hard to pick a topic and starting talking with me about it if it’s so easy to do it with everyone else. No, i don’t know about youtube, or streaming, or work, but that’s why we can talk about it, you can teach me about it. The more you talk to me about it, the more i’ll understand about it and it’ll be easier to talk about. But you can’t even be bothered to do that. I’m not worth that effort. I get it. But if you’re not going to try, nothing is going to change with us. And that seems to be the way things are going and the way you want things to go.

I just can’t help but to feel like the past years have been fake from what you’ve said. You loved the idea of what i could be and not me. So i feel like every time you’ve said i love you, you didn’t really mean it towards me, you meant it towards that idea of who you wanted me to be. You loved that fictional me more than you can love the actual me. And that hurts. So fucking much. This whole thing has just left me with this huge sinking feeling in my chest. It just feels like it’s not possible for you to love the real me if all you’ve been thinking about is a different and “better” version of me. Because that’s who you’ve been thinking about, loving, and fucking for these past few years. Why should you love the real me now when you’re still holding those fake expectations over me. Get rid of those stupid expectations of me and then maybe we can actually make this work. Because I can’t do anything if those are your expectations of me still, it’s not going to work, i’ll never be that energetic, bubbly, outgoing person. I’m a shy introvert with chronic fatigue. It’s just not gonna happen. Yes I can be more sociable, and i’ll try, yes I can go out more, and i’ll try, yes I can talk to people more, i’ll try. But i don’t want to do these things solely to be able to hold up to you like a trophy and say “See! I did the thing!” and feel like i’m earning points to an A+ relationship. I want you to want to do these things with me, I want to feel like you want to do these things with me. I already want to do these things with you, you just need to give me the chance. Make some plans, work with me. It’s not a one way street, as you are ever so fond of saying. But’s it’s fucking impossible for me to even try if it all feels pointless because you seem to not be interested in it or because I’m not acting how you expected or wanted me to. If you’re bored, say it and suggest something else to do or to talk about; don’t brood over it and then hold me responsible for it.

And i just have to ask. What was that when your parents were gone? I thought things were so much better between us then because you were talking to me again and you were touching me without me having to prompt you, it actually felt like we were really together again, like you actually gave a shit about our relationship. And as soon as your parents came back it all stopped. What was that? Please explain that to me. Because now with all this, it just feels fake. Really fucking fake. Like none of it meant anything to you because you stopped after that week, i tried to keep it going but you stopped responding. What the fuck was that to you? Did that week mean nothing? Did it not feel the same way for you? Because now, in light of all this shit, that’s what it seems like to me. And it just makes me question what of our relationship has been real? Especially all that shit you were saying while I was at Renfrew. Was all that just bullshit to try to get me better? Did you actually mean any of that shit you said? Is this why you didn’t end up getting the ring after all? Did you still love me then and something went wrong after that? Just tell me what the fuck was actually real. Because I can’t be sure of any of it anymore.

I don’t want us to be over. But if this has been a problem for “so long” now, then why the fuck did you wait until now to say or do anything about it? Why did you just give up? Why didn’t you deal with it when it started? Because now it really does feel hopeless because you’ve let it stay stuck in that level for so long now without confronting me about it, why? Why wouldn’t you tell me? I mean, relationships aren’t always supposed to have that instantaneous spark all the time, but still. If you can’t even come to me with the problems in our own relationship, then how is this supposed to work?

9/12/2015 Don’t make homes out of people

They say don’t make homes out of people. I never understood that phrase until now. I have felt so overwhelmingly lonely and homesick since Thursday night. It was just so beyond perfect and what I needed that I didn’t know I was missing for so long now. J and I were able to just be, just exist as us. It was like we weren’t here and all that mattered in the world was us and nothing could touch us. I didn’t realize how long it’s been since we have been like that and since I’ve felt like that. I have had such an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and homesickness since then. It’s like there is such a deep and unbearable ache deep, deep in my bones that I can’t sleep off or shake off. It is so exhausting to ache so deeply like this.

I thought I knew pain by now, but I have never felt a pain like this. I never knew how much emotions and feelings hurt and how exhausting they are.

I’m homesick for J and only being home with him again will fix this feeling. I can’t wait to get out of here and be able to live and love more fully.

It is time.

I’m leaving for residential (Renfrew Philly) some time within the next 10 days. I haven’t gotten an official date yet, but all my test results should be in by tomorrow and I’ll probably have at least the weekend to prepare.

My mother won’t speak to me since I told her they were stepping me up from day treatment to res. She’s mad at me for some reason, God knows why. But whatever. she can be as mad as she wants, this treatment will be a lot cheaper than paying for my funeral in a few years when I probably would have died of heart failure or something.

But there it is. I’ve been in day treatment for 3 weeks as of tomorrow. And I’ll be going away to res for a few weeks, how long is up in the air still.

I’m not prepared for this at all.

clearly i haven’t been able to write anything of substance lately.

I’ve been declining as far as mental health goes. I’m purging much more regularly now. I’m always having the thought of “I should probably purge that” after I eat pretty much anything these days. I’ve been purging a few times a week and this past week that amount has probably doubled. oh well.

It’s been a rough-ish week. J had relatives visiting (aunt, uncle and grandpa) so there was a lot more people in the house which created more anxiety for me. It def fucked with my head and such. It was nice having them, but still very stressful for me. This weekend was busy, I went to a barbecue yesterday with J’s sister at her fiances house. Today J and I went with his sister and her fiance to go blueberry picking. Tomorrow J and I might go to the beach and possibly work on fixing my bike up a bit.

I’ve lost 2 pounds this week. But I actually feel somewhat ok with my body. I still want to lose more, but i’d be fairly content staying where I’m at.

I’m planning on calling a treatment center this week (likely on tuesday). so we’ll see how that goes. If they don’t work out I have one other option in the state I can try. Otherwise I don’t know what I’m going to do if they turn me down.

I’m actually considering doing residential, for only the absolute minimum amount of time possible. But i’m actually considering it right now. which is very new. I’ve been very against any kind of residential/inpatient, but now i’m thinking it might not be a terrible idea.

I don’t know. I guess we’ll see what happens.