They say don’t make homes out of people. I never understood that phrase until now. I have felt so overwhelmingly lonely and homesick since Thursday night. It was just so beyond perfect and what I needed that I didn’t know I was missing for so long now. J and I were able to just be, just exist as us. It was like we weren’t here and all that mattered in the world was us and nothing could touch us. I didn’t realize how long it’s been since we have been like that and since I’ve felt like that. I have had such an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and homesickness since then. It’s like there is such a deep and unbearable ache deep, deep in my bones that I can’t sleep off or shake off. It is so exhausting to ache so deeply like this.
I thought I knew pain by now, but I have never felt a pain like this. I never knew how much emotions and feelings hurt and how exhausting they are.
I’m homesick for J and only being home with him again will fix this feeling. I can’t wait to get out of here and be able to live and love more fully.
I’m leaving for residential (Renfrew Philly) some time within the next 10 days. I haven’t gotten an official date yet, but all my test results should be in by tomorrow and I’ll probably have at least the weekend to prepare.
My mother won’t speak to me since I told her they were stepping me up from day treatment to res. She’s mad at me for some reason, God knows why. But whatever. she can be as mad as she wants, this treatment will be a lot cheaper than paying for my funeral in a few years when I probably would have died of heart failure or something.
But there it is. I’ve been in day treatment for 3 weeks as of tomorrow. And I’ll be going away to res for a few weeks, how long is up in the air still.
clearly i haven’t been able to write anything of substance lately.
I’ve been declining as far as mental health goes. I’m purging much more regularly now. I’m always having the thought of “I should probably purge that” after I eat pretty much anything these days. I’ve been purging a few times a week and this past week that amount has probably doubled. oh well.
It’s been a rough-ish week. J had relatives visiting (aunt, uncle and grandpa) so there was a lot more people in the house which created more anxiety for me. It def fucked with my head and such. It was nice having them, but still very stressful for me. This weekend was busy, I went to a barbecue yesterday with J’s sister at her fiances house. Today J and I went with his sister and her fiance to go blueberry picking. Tomorrow J and I might go to the beach and possibly work on fixing my bike up a bit.
I’ve lost 2 pounds this week. But I actually feel somewhat ok with my body. I still want to lose more, but i’d be fairly content staying where I’m at.
I’m planning on calling a treatment center this week (likely on tuesday). so we’ll see how that goes. If they don’t work out I have one other option in the state I can try. Otherwise I don’t know what I’m going to do if they turn me down.
I’m actually considering doing residential, for only the absolute minimum amount of time possible. But i’m actually considering it right now. which is very new. I’ve been very against any kind of residential/inpatient, but now i’m thinking it might not be a terrible idea.
In case any of you were wondering. My laptop was broken for a while and then my phone went too. But both are back now. I just don’t know what to say.
I’m not doing well. I’m purging again. Everything I do is just a way to push back the inevitable binge and purge. That’s all i can think about lately. I can distract myself with notes and workbooks and sewing and reading and crocheting all I want. but the biggest thing going through my head is when can I get my next fix.
That rush. The surge. The energy. The flow. The pain. The numbness. The racing heartbeat. The light headedness. The empty, quiet head space.
The only time I can actually stand to be alive and in this body is after the purge. the quiet and empty head space is like nothing else. There is no noise, no thoughts, no static. Just silence. I live for that.
My brain is constantly churning. Creating static electricity. It sounds like the static and hum and buzz of a radio turned to a not-quite-there-station. You know they ones, where it is just loud static and white noise with some mumbling or loud noises or a few notes of music that bleed through? That’s the one. Now turn 10 radios (at least) on to one of those stations and put the volume on full blast. turn on 5 more radios on real AM radio stations at full blast. That is my brain. Every day. Nonstop. Everlasting.
There is no silence. So I purge to temporarily unplug all those radios. Like a short circuit. The power eventually comes back on and the radios blast out their noise and I am back in hell again.
I have so much to lose this time around with my eating disorder that it’s actually truly terrifying. the rest of my ed i didn’t have anything to lose but my life and i didn’t care about that. but now? I have so much more, so many good things that i don’t want to lose and yet i’m still here and i’m more terrified than ever of losing them. and it’s just, oddly enough, triggering me to use more behaviors, but instead of restricting it’s causing me to binge (i stress binge..) and that’s just making me more miserable and i’ve wanted to cry all day and had to try really really fucking hard not to and i’ve wanted to take more laxatives today though i haven’t yet but i might later. and i’m so so so tempted to purge because of it and i don’t know what i’ll do if i do actually purge. i’ll probably go on a rampage of b/ping and i don’t want to hurt myself but fuck who knows i might. and now that J is here full time if he sees me get to that point… i don’t know what he’ll do and i don’t want to lose him.