Yearning.

I can feel each scar burning on my skin as they did the night i made them. The intensity on some of them is so great it is almost unbearable. It is as if my blood is made from lava and is pooling in those spots, waiting to be re-released and flow to the ground like a waterfall of blood. 

I’m squirming in my seat, uncomfortable with anything and everything. My skin feels like it is a beast of its own mind and it is crawling and wishing to be splayed open. To release this beast from within me. 

But the beast can only be released if the opening was done just perfectly. It is never done just perfectly. so the beast grows ever impatiently inside my veins. Getting angrier and more restless with each failed attempt.

I can see the would have been wounds on my skin. clean and bloodless like I just washed it clean and right before the blood starts pouring from it again. The skin splayed open, parted to let the air in, to help me breathe. After a cut I’ve always felt there was more oxygen in my blood stream than any other time in my life. It was an invigorating feeling. But the burning soon takes over and the oxygen seeps back out of the wound as it closes up. 

All those would be wounds on my skin are screaming, all at once in their own voice. the constant chatter in my brain is making my brain crawl while my skin crawls its own way as well. I can feel the burning of the lava under each would-be cut and the searing hotness of the cold blade ripping through my skin. 

I’m trying not to hyperventilate from all the things going on, all the imaginary movement on my body and in my brain. It is so much to handle. Almost too much to handle.

Overwhelming. Taunting. Persuading.

Bulimia is being a little bitch and rearing its ugly head in protest of my actions. I have gone 34 days purge free, the longest I’ve gone probably since I started purging. But there is that incessant little nagging voice in the back of my head, taunting me, persuading me. Just after you eat a meal, that’s all. It’ll help you lose the weight faster. Don’t you want to lose weight and see your ribs more clearly again? Don’t you want to reach those double digits? You are so close to getting there, only a couple of pounds. Purging up lunch and maybe dinner will help you get there. That’s all, just lunch and dinner, only big meals, right? You won’t purge more than just that because you won’t need to. No of course you won’t binge either. You’ll be fine. Just go ahead and purge a little. It’ll help you reach that goal weight of yours. 

No. Stop. I know this is wrong. I know none of that is true. If I start to purge, even innocently purging only lunch or only dinner, it will escalate so quickly. I will be full blown bingeing and purging daily if I so much as cross that line and start purging at all again. I can’t go back to that, I will put on all this weight that I’ve lost. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t do it.

 

Then you have anorexia. You don’t need that. That food won’t do you any good. That’ has x grams of fat in it, don’t bother wasting your time on it. How many calories are in that? Yeah, don’t bother with it, you don’t need it. Just drink some tea and then maybe a glass of water and you’ll be fine. You’re just bored, stop eating. You don’t need to have that much, put half of it back. You weigh how much now? You don’t need any of that extra stuff on there, take it off or don’t even bother putting it on there in the first place. If you need to add a condiment to something in order to eat it, then don’t eat it in the first place! That’s totally unnecessary. You want to lose weight don’t you? Where’s that tape measure at? You want to fit into that x-article-of-clothing again don’t you? Just skip that, you don’t need it. You don’t need any snacks, you’ll be fine on just those meals of yours. Why don’t you add a little less of that to your food? Just add water instead of milk, you don’t need those extra calories anyway. Skip the solid foods today, it’s better for your digestive system anyway. You don’t need to eat before 5pm, just have some tea. Make some smoothies, you don’t need any of that processed cooked crap anyway. Green smoothies will make you healthier, so you should stick to those. Why are you eating again, you just ate. You don’t need to eat that often. You can go a couple more hours before eating something else. Why don’t you dig up those pills and start taking them again? They’ll make you not hungry and you’ll lose the weight faster. Take a few laxatives, a good cleanse will do your gut some good. 

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Just make it stop.

Pull the Trigger.

I’m scared I’m relapsing. And not just the little lapse in recovery but the full blown, sucked into the mindset, type of relapse. I don’t know what to do.

My sister is insanely triggering right now. She’s exhibiting so many signs of the start of an eating disorder and I try and talk to her and make sure she’s aware that what she’s doing ins’t healthy, even if she thinks it is. And I tell her the right things to do and the right way to go about things. But she’s not listening. I’ve told my mom but she’s not helping. She doesn’t think it’s serious because Nicoles weight isn’t low. Like for fucks sake, my weight was up higher when my ed started and for each major relapse I had! Weight has nothing to do with it! So my mom keeps encouraging her to lose weight and it’s so frustrating and sad. I feel guilty, like I’m the one to blame if she does develop a full blown eating disorder. 

And then there is the disordered part of my brain. Sneaking into my thoughts, the damn devil. Trying to compete with her. With all her disordered habits. Make sure I’m the sick one, make sure I stay the thinnest in the family, make sure I’m the small one, make sure I’m the one who eats the least and the healthiest. I hate this so damn much. But I’m being sucked in. I can’t be around this everyday and not get sucked into these thoughts and this mindset and these rituals. 

The Weekend.

So, to be totally honest, I haven’t been doing well this weekend at all. I was restricting quite a lot. My blood pressure dropped and I felt faint more than a few times. Then, of course, I thought it would be a good idea to go in the hot tub after J suggested it. Once I got out I fainted, hit my head twice on the way down and slammed onto the ground. My elbow got scraped up, my hip hurts quite a bit as I must have slammed it into the ground pretty hard. I’ve got a bit of a headache as well.

Then I told J that I had been restricting my intake this weekend, not like he couldn’t tell. And that my blood pressure had dropped already because of that and then the hot tub just made it drop even lower. He said he knew, and his parents really notice and tell him about it and that they’re concerned for me. His sister used to have a really bad eating disorder as well, so they see the signs. I just feel really bad.

They also kept staring at me while I ate this whole weekend. Just watching me like hawks. I started panicking a few times and had to excuse myself to the restroom in order to calm myself down. They have good intentions, that’s what I keep telling myself. But it keeps making me so paranoid that they keep staring at me while I’m eating. Every single bite I take. I feel like they think I’m fat and that I shouldn’t be eating and that’s why they are staring at me. To make me even more uncomfortable so I stop eating. And when I’m finished eating they give me this disappointed look. It’s driving me insane! I can’t do it. I told J about last night while we were sitting on the back after I had fainted. He said he’d talk to them and try to get them to stop.

He tried really hard the other night to get his dad to stop while we were out at a restaurant. J knows restaurants are really difficult for me, especially when it’s one I’ve never been to before. It wasn’t working. His dad kept looking over J’s shoulder to watch me eat. His mom kept staring at me the entire meal too. And I think Veto was the worst, he was sitting right across from me. While he thought my choice in food was amusing and thought it funny to watch me eat it, I panicked. I ended up having the start of a panic attack and excused myself to collect myself in the restroom. His sister looked at me on and off, she was probably the best about it, aside from J. 

His mom also doesn’t give me the option to not eat. If she offers me something and I decline it, she’ll make me something else, usually something simple and safe, a fruit salad, a sliced up apples, a small salad, a smoothie. But I’m no longer allowed to say no to food. And this obligation to eat is really getting to me. I hate feeling obligated to eat anything, it makes me more likely to purge afterwards. 

Ugh. I just hate this so much. I want all this to be over and done with.

I’m Not Sick.

There are marks and cuts on my knuckles and the backs of my hands. My gums are sore and my teeth ache. My lips are cracked all the time. I have patches of red flaky skin on the sides of my mouth from the stomach acid and the friction my hand causes. My salivary glands are constantly swollen and hurt. They push up on the underside of my tongue and make the floor of my mouth ache. My throat is dry and my voice gives out or cracks. I’m constantly thirsty, more than usual. My head is always spinning. My hands are always shaking. My hands and feet are colder than usual. There is this pressure building from the back of my neck all the way up to my eyes.  I’m constantly off balance, nearly falling over when just walking or swaying back and forth while standing still. My muscles and joints ache and burn with the effort of everyday life. I’ve been using an aroma-heat therapy pad on all my joints for hours at a time with little to no relief. My hands hurt too much to move them much, I have to constantly take breaks from typing this so they aren’t in excruciating pain from the effort. My hair is starting to fall out again, it had stopped for a while and was starting to build back up again. My skin is broken out and blotchy and terrible looking. My dark circles under my eyes are as bad as ever. My stomach is constantly bloated. I’m retaining a lot of water, mainly in my thighs and lower abdomen right now. My cheeks are puffy and swollen. My jaw aches and it hurts to chew anything or even just talk or yawn. Eating anything makes me nauseous, I feel the need to vomit, the rise of burning acid in my throat. I have to consciously try not to vomit after eating anything at all. I’m so exhausted all the time, I have no energy at all. 

But I’m not sick. Not nearly sick enough to be considered sick at all.

Urges.

The urge to purge swept over me like a tidal wave. I needed to binge and purge. I needed to stuff my face full of as much food as I could manage to find. I had dreams of buying the food I would binge on and how I would get and where. It was so detailed and so realistic, I felt like it was really happening.

I was in a frantic rush to get to the store, to buy the food, to get back home. I needed to fill this void inside me. I needed this release. There was nothing else on my mind. I was completely focused on the stuffing and the releasing. Nothing else mattered.

Bread/toast smothered with thick layers of butter. French toast with copious amounts of maple syrup and powdered sugar with a slab of butter melting on top. Fresh out of the oven chocolate cake smothered with a jar of nutella for the frosting. Slices of strawberries and bananas topped with cool whip and miniature chocolate chips. Broccoli coated in cheddar and American cheese. A mug full of hot chocolate topped with whipped cream, chocolate syrup, chocolate sprinkles, and miniature chocolate chips. A sugar free strawberry banana slurpee with layers of sugar free mango slurpee in between. A bag of tropical fruit trail mix and a bag of cranberry almond trail mix. A batch of warm and slightly gooey chocolate chip cookies straight off the pan. One jar of strawberry and peanut butter goobers. A bag of fun sized candy bars, a bag of fun sized almond joys, a bag of reese’s cups, and a box of raisinettes. A pint or two of ice cream, one chocolate something and the other one chunky monkey flavored. An avocado, hummus, and tuna sandwich, barbeque chicken, a block of mozzarella cheese, and a box macaroni and cheese.

I wanted it all. I needed it all. Stuff it inside me and then force it into the toilet. Nothing else would do. But I couldn’t do that. I didn’t have the money, nor the time or place to do it. So any food I ate made me feel dirty and disgusting.

I am already planning to binge and purge very soon after I get home. So that would be either Sunday night or Monday. I want to stuff everything I can in and force everything back out. I need it, there is no way around it.

I also have a party to go to next Sunday. I’ve decided that this means major restricting after my b/p session and maybe I’ll try to throw a day of fasting in there as well. I need to look good. I need to look like I’ve lost weight since the last time they saw me. I need to win.

This disorder is being incredibly competitive at the moment. The party I’m going to is for a very good friend of mine’s 18^th birthday. She has bulimia as well. But she has always been on the larger side of the weight scale. So if she’s lost any weight since the last time I’ve seen her, I’ll feel like a failure because I haven’t lost anything. And my ex-boyfriend is supposed to be going there as well, I haven’t seen him in about a year or something like that. I know he’s gained weight, I’ve seen it in the facebook pictures my friends have posted. But I want to be thin, I want to look good.

I’m sinking fast into the endless depths of this dark sea once again.

Ugh. Emotions.

Tyus and I broke up yesterday in a very large fight. I was so incredibly upset. I wanted bash my fists into every hard surface around me until I no longer felt angry. I wanted to scream and throw a fit.

He said all this that I was putting him through was just some kind of sick game I like to play. I’m just some kind of sick fucker who loves to go around and fuck with peoples hearts until I shatter them into a million pieces.

After he said that, I was done. I wanted no more of him, ever, at all. If he thinks I’m some sick person who likes to hurt and torture people, then he clearly doesn’t know me and I want nothing to do with someone who thinks of me that way.

So I’m very upset. I don’t want to be with people and I don’t want to deal with emotions. I want to use my eating disorder to cope with them, but I haven’t really. I started to binge a little yesterday, but I stopped myself when I realized what I was doing. I told myself that this food would solve nothing and I need to face these emotions head on. I’m also trying not to go down the opposite route and restrict either, because I really don’t feel like eating at all. I’m not hungry and I want nothing to do with food. But I’m trying to find a healthy balance.

I also have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I’m scared. It is with a new doctor that I’ve never gone to before. I don’t want to get weighed. I don’t want to know my weight. I don’t want to tell her I smoke or drink or starve or purge. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to get blood work done. I don’t want to be too sick but I don’t want to be not sick enough. I’m scared.

My mother also wants to take me to a dietitian. I’m so scared about that. I don’t want to be told what to eat. I don’t want to eat more. I don’t want to eat fear foods. I’m so scared.

Challenging the BPD Monster

Do I not want to be in this relationship for actual reason, or because the BPD wants me to push him away?

• He is extremely possessive, clingy, emotional, jealous, cocky and far too appearance oriented.

Ex 1: Last time I stayed at his house I nearly beat him for making so many rude comments about my body, my weight, how I looked, how much I ate, and how I ate my food. He was just constantly making fun of me.

Ex 2: Whenever he makes “jokes” about any of the things stated in example 1, he isn’t joking. I’ve asked him before and he told me straight up that he wasn’t joking, he was being serious.

• Whenever we try to talk about something more serious or about general things in our relationship or about each other, we end up in a huge fight.

Ex 1: We were talking the other night (Wednesday) about how we both think our long distance relationship was going. He was all optimistic and said it’s perfect and we’ll make everything work out and this can work for a really long time. I went the more realistic route, as I always do, and stated the problems we are presented with in this relationship and then the most probable outcome. Granted, it did sound fairly pessimistic, but I added a much more positive outcome after the most probable one so that I didn’t come off as “I want to give up on this relationship right now.” He didn’t care what I had to say from the start, he kept interrupting me and telling me I was wrong. We got into a big fight and he kept telling me he didn’t want to hear what I had to say about our relationship. I nearly broke it off right then and there.

• Also, this is going to seem random but I’m going to make this a point anyway, because it is important to me. He hates rabbits.

Ex 1: He told me he thinks they are meant for breeding and then eating and nothing more. I have a pet rabbit and I love her to death. I used to get so homesick for her and miss her so much while I was away at school. He doesn’t care, he thinks they’re stupid creatures only meant to be eaten. I’m a vegetarian. I hate anyone who thinks this way. Any living creature deserves a life without suffering and no one should treat them in a disgustingly rude manner like he was referring to. I was absolutely disgusted.

Ex 2: He said he wanted to eat my rabbit, not jokingly. He straight talked for about 5 minutes straight about how amazing tasting of a stew he could make with her. I was appalled.

Ex 3: When he stayed over my house the one time, my rabbit kept checking him out and stuff, nudging him, sniffing him, licking him, etc. He said he wanted to kick her or punch her to get her away from him. What kind of person says something like that? Where is my torch and pitchfork? Seriously.

• So here is a conversation I had with my best friend about this situation:

(we were talking about something completely unrelated)

Me: I can disassociate myself so easily, I wouldn’t even notice it. Just going through the motions without actually thinking about it. That’s my specialty.

Him: Is that how you and your guy get through things?

Me: Kinda, I’m not attracted to him… Like at all, there isn’t anything that appealing about him appearance wise to me.

Him: And you’re dating him why exactly?

Me: I don’t really know anymore, honestly. I thought I liked him, but the more I think about it and look at the relationship and how he treats me… I don’t want any part of it anymore, I haven’t for a while now.

• That’s another thing, I don’t like the way he treats me. He doesn’t like what I do, or how I act or how I am, or any of the things I like. He is always trying to get me to stop acting the way I always do and act the complete opposite because he like that better. He always tries to get me to dress differently and look differently for him. He tries to get me to talk differently around him too.
• We can never talk about anything that we are interested in because the other person has no clue and no interest in what they are saying.

I don’t think any of these things are BPD talking. I think they are real emotions and I really don’t want this relationship anymore. But I’m still unsure.

Poisoned.

I feel dirty. I ate the forbidden food and did not purge. I could not purge. I am a guest at this house, the house that has a toilet with a weak flush. Even if I could have gotten away with the act of purging, the evidence would not have been completely gone. I could not sneak away outdoors somewhere because it is late and I am a guest and I don’t know the area.

This food inside me, this poison, is seeping into my blood stream and making me sick. This food is killing me. I need to rid myself of the poison, but I don’t know how. I want to run it off, but my legs are too sore from yesterday’s run/jog/walk. It hurts to move them. I need to stretch them out. But I need to get rid of this poison inside me more. Decisions.

I feel filthy. I want to shower and scrub myself for hours, use a whole bottle of body wash, a whole bar of soap, a whole bottle of shampoo and conditioner. I need to feel clean again. But I cannot do it here. I will remain dirty, stained, until I go home. That’s too long from now.

It’s funny though, how something so gross, vile, and filthy can make me feel so clean and pure. My mind is backward and wayward and upside down. I don’t even know what is right or wrong anymore. I don’t even know what right or wrong mean. Nothing is right and everything is wrong but everything is right and nothing is wrong.